It’s Time to Take My Fingers Out of My Nose and Make the Sausage

It’s Time to Take My Fingers Out of My Nose and Make the Sausage

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Can-you-explain-how-life-gave-us-lemons

As I imagine many writers do, I have more story-lines in my head than I do time to work on them, which means that sometimes I’m hit with a case of the “Squirrels!” and I deviate from whatever my primary project is. For Game of Thorns— originally a secondary project that I had to back-burner because it grew and changed (as stories do) and will now be my primary project after I finish the Fallen Series— I had the opportunity to do a great deal of research about 18th century France. Being the lover of language that I am, some of my favorite research had to do with French idioms. It’s true that people say the darndest things, and turns of phrase seem to be proof of that.

Since learning is fun and I love sharing knowledge, here are some of the best of the best of the best, Sir!

WithHonors

…Anyway:

1. When something is easy for you, you do it “fingers in the nose” (les doigts dans le nez).

I’m pretty sure they’re encouraging me to pick my nose and I don’t say no to much.

2. If you have “an arse full of noodles” (avoir le cul bordé de nouilles), evidently that means you are lucky.

Frankly, I beg to differ. I can think of zero reasons I would want an arse full of noodles. That sounds terrible for arseholes and noodles alike.

3. Beware of the woman who has her bears (avoir ses ours)!

*loudly whispers, “It means she’s menstruating”*

bears

4. “That makes me drunk” (ça me soûle) is the same as saying “that pisses me off.”

Wrong. Clearly I’d rather be drunk.

5. A big job is obviously “a Roman’s work” (c’est un travail de Romain).

I couldn’t not share this one given the Greco-Roman influences and references in the Fallen Series. I mean, obviously.

 

6. Pussy (in the vulgar sense) is still “pussy” (chatte) in the vulgar sense.

It’s just nice to know that some things are cross-cultural.

7. Settle down you “hot rabbit” (être un chaud lapin), there’s no reason that last one should have made you horny.

It would seem that rabbit references related to sex and horniness are also cross-cultural.

And now I can’t stop with the sex stuff, I’m on a roll.

8. You’ll need to wash your sheets in the morning if you “made a map of France” (faire une carte de France) during the night.

Nope, you didn’t “get lucky”– sorry– you had a wet dream. Better luck next time.

9. Alright, let’s class it up a little. You can find any number of literary references to la petite mort, “the little death;” more commonly known as an orgasm.

If it’s in literature, it’s high brow.

*That’s right. Isn’t that right?*index

10. Last, but not least, if something goes down smoothly– as in down one’s throat smoothly– it is “the little Jesus in velvet underwear” (le petit Jésus en culotte de velours).

While I’m at least 20% certain that this one only sounds sexual, all this talk of underwear and things sliding down throats makes it hard to tell.

 

**And as a bonus idiom– as it is the second half of my title– “to make the sausage” (faire l’andouille) is to do something ridiculous. Something I would know nothing about. But now I’m mixing metaphors, and with that, I bid you adieu.**


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This post was originally written January 2016 and posted to my old website.

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Is That Like Rocky Mountain Oysters?

Is That Like Rocky Mountain Oysters?

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BullsBalls
Ah, my nut sac! Ah!

October of last year, I plunged ass-first into the world of self-published writers. Almost a year later and I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. Don’t care, it’s still some of the most fun I’ve ever had. Just maybe don’t use me as the foremost authority on writing, or publishing, or adulting.

While I’ve done pretty well staying focused on the writing part of publishing…sort of. Focus is relative… Anyway, by choosing to indie publish, I am not just responsible for the writing, but everything else that comes with it. Like PR. To do this effectively, I’m told I need to find a niche. You know, brand myself, or something. Apparently drinking gin and ripping my pants off in public is only ideal marketing for strippers. Or so I’m told. I don’t know, it’s hard to remember when I’ve been drinking.

But I digress.

It’s likely that I will continue refusing to wear pants (viva la revolución), but that doesn’t mean I can’t also attempt to focus. And by focus, I obviously mean meander less. As a natural scatter-brain, focusing on just one thing is sort of like attempting to force a square peg into a round hole. It doesn’t matter how hard I push, it just won’t fit. However, there is something I already do on a consistent basis that doesn’t involve drinking or pantsless dancing– shocking, but it’s true. Drum roll, please…………

It’s research. When I write, I do stupid amounts of research. This is partly because I care about getting the details right and partly because I’m prone to falling down the rabbit hole once I get started. I come across a number of strange and interesting bits of information in my quest to find the exact piece of data that I’m looking for. What better place is there to share all the often useless knowledge that doesn’t make it into the final cut than right here? You’re welcome.

Without further ado, as the Fallen Series was largely influenced and inspired by Ancient Greco-Roman society, I’ll kick things off with some fun facts about the ancient world:

  1. In Ancient Greece throwing an apple to a woman was considered a marriage proposal. In part two of this fun fact, catching said apple meant she accepted the proposal. So, ladies, if you’re single and intend to stay that way, beware of flying fruit.
  2. Anyone that saw the movie 300 knows that in Ancient Sparta boys began military training at age 7. But did you also know that military service lasted until age 60? Assuming, of course, they lived that long. That’s what I call job security.
  3. Music in Ancient Greece was a form of mathematics as well as art. This might explain why I’m terrible at both; they’re actually the same thing.
  4. Beard trimming became an art in Ancient Greece. So much so that barbers became leading citizens. So, basically Greeks were the first hipsters. At least we know who to blame.
  5. Ancient Olympic competitors ate sheep testicles to enhance performance. So evidently, performing enhancing drugs have been a problem since the outset. Go figure. In additional news, only men were allowed to compete in the early Olympics and they did so in the nude to ensure that no women participated in the games. Imagine running that way. Was the chafing worth it, boys? Was it really?

God I love useless trivia so much. Bask in it with me for a moment. Do you feel that? That warm tingling sensation is the feeling of information you’ll probably never need burrowing itself into the synapses of your mind. Ahhhh… Enjoy 😉


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This post was originally published December 30, 2015 on my old website; it was revised and published to MyTwistedFairyTales August 1, 2016.

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