10 Reasons Work Relationships are like Real Relationships without the Sex

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The other day I found myself in one of those hilarious “you had to be there” conversations with my boss in which I teasingly nagged at him about taking over his life (I’m his recently appointed office manager) and he threatened to break up with me in order to find a newer, younger office manager to replace me with. After sharing a good laugh, he brought up the point that work relationships are like real relationships, but without the sex. In other words, what many people would call marriage. Frankly, if this is your idea of marriage, you’re doing it wrong, but that’s another topic for another day.

Maybe it’s a reflection of my dysfunctional work relationships, but I do find myself agreeing with Boss-Man on this one. Because I love lists and funny comparisons: 10 reasons work relationships are like real relationships without the sex. You’re welcome.

1.  Everyone starts out on their best behavior, but eventually you get comfortable and just stop trying. This takes a fairly pessimistic view on relationships– and work– but stereotypes like this make me laugh, so naturally it made the cut.

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2.  Sometimes you love each other, sometimes you hate each other, most of the time you’re indifferent. More pessimism here, but what can I say? I think I’m funny.

3.  They instantly become a hero in your eyes if they bring you food unexpectedly. They say the secret to a man’s heart is in his stomach; I say, “that’s not exclusive to men.”

4.  Eventually, you adopt a “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine too” attitude. This is particularly true in regards to food. I have no problem eating off my co-workers’ plates and they seem to have no problem eating off of mine. I’ve also been known to pout until my husband trades meals with me because I was hit with a particularly intense case of food envy. Okay, that was one time, but it still happened. Not my finest moment… Sharing is caring?

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5.  If sexual innuendos aren’t a part of your daily repartee, you’re not trying hard enough.

6.  Get drunk together: mistakes will be made and you’ll never look at each other the same. Holiday office parties are proof.

7.  It takes time, but you’ll reach levels of comfort with each other that culminates in discussions of and jokes about bodily functions. You all know what I’m getting at. Poop! No matter what your comfort level with the topic is, at some point you will talk to your co-worker and significant others about dookie. If you’re anything like me, it will be because you’re nearing a crisis and you have been left with absolutely no choice. After that bridge has been crossed, though, it’s anyone’s game. Bodily functions are hilarious.

8.  At some point, you may meet the family and it’s always awkward. In the case of your significant other, you want to make a good impression while in the case of your coworker, you’ll probably find yourself wondering why this is happening.

9.  You experience irrational jealousy at the attention others receive. You likely even know it’s irrational, but you can’t stop yourself.

10. And the magic that started it all: when you make a mistake or have a fight, you worry that they’re going to replace you with someone else.

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My New Job as a Prostitute… I Mean Construction Worker

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I had a lot of reasons for choosing to self-publish, and I stand by the decision, however, it did come with some drawbacks. Firstly, it turns out self-publishing is expensive. No, like, really expensive (who knew). Around the time I was gearing up to publish Fallen, I realized I needed book money, so I got a job with my sister doing decorative concrete. Because I have a slightly twisted and off key sense of humor, at first I told people that it was this or prostitution. However, as soon as I actually started working, I quickly realized that construction and prostitution have a more in common than you might think. I don’t actually know, but if I had to guess…

Anyway, in no particular order, here are some of my revelations:

  • You never know how good, bad, or ugly the job is going to be until you show up.
  • Construction workers, like prostitutes, spend a lot of time on their knees.
  • At some point during the day, you will probably end up with something unpleasant in your mouth.
  • It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but inevitably you will have to touch something gross.
  • Both jobs involve stripping. In the case of construction, DO NOT get the chemical stripper on your skin; that shit burns.
  • Both jobs will inevitably require you to contort your body in strange and uncomfortable ways.
  • At the end of the day, muscles you didn’t know existed will probably hurt.
  • You WILL want to shower as soon as you get home.
  • At some point, someone is going to ask you to do something you don’t want to do.
  • When this time comes, you may want to impale your boss with something sharp for telling you to do “the thing.”
  • Both jobs can take you all over the country, but you will probably only want to work in the nicer parts.
  • Your eyes may burn from the smell, just breathe through your mouth.
  • If you have to ask what it is, you probably don’t want to know.
  • Someone may ask to come inside.
  • And, as always, safety first. Never get started without wearing your protective equipment.

Well, there you have it. Clearly construction and prostitution are virtually the same job. You know, in case you were wondering.


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Originally published July 2015 on my old website, this post was revised and transferred to MyTwistedFairyTales August 2016.

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Is That Like Rocky Mountain Oysters?

Is That Like Rocky Mountain Oysters?

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BullsBalls
Ah, my nut sac! Ah!

October of last year, I plunged ass-first into the world of self-published writers. Almost a year later and I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. Don’t care, it’s still some of the most fun I’ve ever had. Just maybe don’t use me as the foremost authority on writing, or publishing, or adulting.

While I’ve done pretty well staying focused on the writing part of publishing…sort of. Focus is relative… Anyway, by choosing to indie publish, I am not just responsible for the writing, but everything else that comes with it. Like PR. To do this effectively, I’m told I need to find a niche. You know, brand myself, or something. Apparently drinking gin and ripping my pants off in public is only ideal marketing for strippers. Or so I’m told. I don’t know, it’s hard to remember when I’ve been drinking.

But I digress.

It’s likely that I will continue refusing to wear pants (viva la revolución), but that doesn’t mean I can’t also attempt to focus. And by focus, I obviously mean meander less. As a natural scatter-brain, focusing on just one thing is sort of like attempting to force a square peg into a round hole. It doesn’t matter how hard I push, it just won’t fit. However, there is something I already do on a consistent basis that doesn’t involve drinking or pantsless dancing– shocking, but it’s true. Drum roll, please…………

It’s research. When I write, I do stupid amounts of research. This is partly because I care about getting the details right and partly because I’m prone to falling down the rabbit hole once I get started. I come across a number of strange and interesting bits of information in my quest to find the exact piece of data that I’m looking for. What better place is there to share all the often useless knowledge that doesn’t make it into the final cut than right here? You’re welcome.

Without further ado, as the Fallen Series was largely influenced and inspired by Ancient Greco-Roman society, I’ll kick things off with some fun facts about the ancient world:

  1. In Ancient Greece throwing an apple to a woman was considered a marriage proposal. In part two of this fun fact, catching said apple meant she accepted the proposal. So, ladies, if you’re single and intend to stay that way, beware of flying fruit.
  2. Anyone that saw the movie 300 knows that in Ancient Sparta boys began military training at age 7. But did you also know that military service lasted until age 60? Assuming, of course, they lived that long. That’s what I call job security.
  3. Music in Ancient Greece was a form of mathematics as well as art. This might explain why I’m terrible at both; they’re actually the same thing.
  4. Beard trimming became an art in Ancient Greece. So much so that barbers became leading citizens. So, basically Greeks were the first hipsters. At least we know who to blame.
  5. Ancient Olympic competitors ate sheep testicles to enhance performance. So evidently, performing enhancing drugs have been a problem since the outset. Go figure. In additional news, only men were allowed to compete in the early Olympics and they did so in the nude to ensure that no women participated in the games. Imagine running that way. Was the chafing worth it, boys? Was it really?

God I love useless trivia so much. Bask in it with me for a moment. Do you feel that? That warm tingling sensation is the feeling of information you’ll probably never need burrowing itself into the synapses of your mind. Ahhhh… Enjoy 😉


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This post was originally published December 30, 2015 on my old website; it was revised and published to MyTwistedFairyTales August 1, 2016.

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